Twenty-Four

Too Gay for Broadway

My move to NYC in August of 2006 had been planned for well over a year when I decided to audition for Circle in the Square. One of my professors in Hartford was a Circle Alum and suggested I look into it. I started to research and the more I learned the more I knew that Circle was for me. It was where several of my favorite actors attended and it was the alma mater of a professor I respected very much.

I sent in my application and chose my audition date. I chose the last date available to afford maximum time to prepare. I wanted to be in a program when I moved to NYC to give myself some structure and ease my way into the industry, but it had to be Circle. Circle in the Square was the only program I auditioned for because it was the only program I wanted to be in.

The day of my audition came. I can't remember what I did for monologues but for my song I sang "I Am What I Am" from La Cage. I left, feeling fairly confident in what I had done, to return to Hartford and wait for my notification letter in the mail. And wait. And wait. And wait.

Ten days had passed since the deadline we were to receive our letters and I had yet to receive mine. I had a feeling I was rejected because if I had been accepted, I certainly would have gotten my letter on time. I had to know. I mustered up the courage to make the phone call to receive the dreaded news. I called the office and explained that I had not received my letter and I was put on hold. This can't be good, I thought. A moment later Colin O'Leary picked up the line and told me, "Michael, I'm happy to tell you..." I was shocked. I was so prepared for disappointment and yet Colin is about to tell me I'm in.

"That you've been accepted to Circle in the Square* he continued, ".... on a contingency." Colin went on to explain further that while they enjoyed my audition pieces and thought I had the chops, it would be a waste of my time and theirs to train me if I couldn't pass for straight on stage. Therefore, I was accepted to Circle on the contingency that I would travel to NYC weekly from hartford for the 8 weeks leading up to the first semester to work with a speech pathologist they had chosen for me on Madison Ave. to de-gayify my voice. I would then be expected to continue weekly one on one coaching from different Circle faculty at an additional cost.

"Of course!" I replied. What was I going to say, "no"? I was desperate to get into Circle and would do whatever I needed to get there. It wasn't the first time I had been told my gay voice was an issue and Circle was going to be the ones who fixed it for me.

The summer before I attended Circle I taught in a theater program 45 hours a week during the day and waited tables 40 hours a week at night. I knew they dissuaded students from working while they were in the program and that just wasn't going to be feasible for me so I was trying to save as much as I could beforehand to mitigate the amount of time I'd have to work while in school. Traveling weekly to Madison Ave and paying $150 per half hour session was a huge expense for me. Continuing to pay for one on one speech coaching during the school year was also a huge expense I struggled to afford. The need to straight wash myself was programmed into me for the following two years and I was determined to succeed. It made sense that the more "neutral" you were, the more versatile and therefore more hirable and if I couldn't act straight then what was I doing there besides wasting everyone's time. I got better at "passing" as the two years progressed, but I was never completely successful. When the time came for our industry nights, I sang a song about baseball, and picked a scene where I kissed a girl and repeated to myself over and over again "don't be gay."

I came out when I was 14. I started a Gay Straight Alliance during my freshman year in my "inner-city" high school. I was part of the Stonewall Speakers at the age of 15 speaking in classrooms and events all over New England sharing my experience as an openly gay teen in the 90s. That same year I fought for marriage equality and co-parent adoption in Connecticut and across the country. I was a proud, confident, gay young man when I auditioned for Circle in the Square 11 years after I had come out. I left a battered and insecure self-hating homo.

I never felt like I was straight enough after leaving Circle and therefore never tried to pursue much in the theater industry after leaving. I could never get it out of my head that it was a waste of time. I stuck around New York City for a few years and ended up leaving with my tail tucked between my legs feeling that I had failed at what I had set out to accomplish.

I met fabulous people at Circle and had incredible experiences. When the techniques finally started clicking for me towards the end of first year, it opened up a whole new world of creative possibilities. I had found the entrance to the rabbit hole and I was ready for a deep dive. I have so many fond memories of my time at Circle. Sadly, they will always be tainted with the pain and self-hatred I found there. It’s been over ten years since I graduated from Circle and I couldn't seem to shake my newfound internalized homophobia for many of those years. The insidiousness of it made it nearly impossible to finally rip it out of me root and stem.

I love my very gay life today. I live in Boston and have the Honor of singing with the Boston Gay Men’s Chorus and had the privilege of touring with them in South Africa the summer of 2018 where we brought joy, reassurance and hope to people who desperately needed it. I've found other creative outlets over the years and don't really miss being in theatre. There are still many occasions, however, when I see an artist who has made their career out of being unapologetically themselves and though I know those careers are few and far between, I can't help but wonder, "What if?"

All my best,

Michael Whalen
Class of 2008

Fourteen

I began my acting training at Circle in the Square Theatre School in the fall of 2015. I auditioned with the character Paul San Marco’s monologue from A Chorus Line. The monologue was about growing up gay and becoming a drag queen in a time when it was considered very taboo. This particular monologue meant a lot to me as it pertained to my own life experiences and I could relate to the character on a personal level. I had auditioned for quite a few acting schools in my original home state of North Carolina and felt as though I couldn’t be my true self in any of the schools I had auditioned for. I had a desire to explore queer and female characters. With me being an effeminate man, I believed that New York, specifically Circle in the Square, would allow me to explore these desires in an environment I could deem safe. After the warm reception of my monologue in my audition and my acceptance into the school, I thought I had finally found a place where I could be myself without persecution. It wasn’t until I arrived at the school and began to study there that I realized how wrong I was. 

I was so repelled by what I had experienced at Circle in the Square Theatre School that I believed this is what I would endure for the rest of my acting career, leading me to quit acting before I even graduated. When I told a member of the staff, in the last month of my training program, that my plans were to not pursue acting but pursue the art of drag instead, I was mocked and laughed at. This only furthered my repulsion to the acting community and made me realize my fears of not being taken seriously after graduation were all too real. My entire outlook on acting and the theatre world is irrevocably changed after attending Circle in the Square Theatre School. 

When I first arrived, I was so excited to start learning and absorbing everything I could. It only took one year for me to realize that this program wasn’t as advertised. After the first year, I begged my parents to let me drop out of the program. I was so deeply unhappy that I tried anything I could to get myself removed from the program. I would arrive late or not at all, skip out of doing scene work, and ignoring schoolwork altogether. This wasn’t the case in the first half of 2015. I have vague memories of Circle but the ones that stick out the most are of being embarrassed in front of my peers by teachers. There is one instance that I would describe as the catalyst for my extreme dislike of the program and its teaching methods. I performed a scene from the musical Gypsy as the titular character, with a friend portraying Rose, Gypsy’s mother. It was a gender bending role and I was aware of the implications and risk. The critiques I got weren’t related to my acting or technique but instead to my demeanor and how I spoke, which was and still is very effeminate. I brushed it off, thinking it was good feedback and how I could apply it in the future. The teachers only want what’s best for us, right? 

The next role I performed in the same scene class was from the play The Last Days of Judas Iscariot as a male Judge. It was for the same teacher about a week or two later after my Gypsy scene. I remember him stopping the scene, which I was only a minor character in, telling me that my “role choices are veering into parody and stereotype.” My worst fears were being realized and I became hurt and shut down. He apologized after class, but the damage was already done. This same teacher also went from student to student and judged us on appearance as a casting agent would. He told me that I have leading man looks but I would need to work on “butching it up.” It wasn’t only this male teacher, but 2 other male teachers telling me in the first year to “make it manlier” and to practice speaking with a lower voice. I remember doing a scene from The Motherfucker with the Hat and being praised for acting “straight.” These things changed my whole outlook on acting and of myself. Making me believe that no one would hire me if I was myself. Looking back, it’s ironic, the same teachers that would teach us that being ourselves brought us further to the truth of a character, while simultaneously telling me to act like a heteronormative man. These two contradicting ideas made it difficult for me to relate to my peers who were loving the program.

The first-year scene showcase is probably my favorite memory of Circle. I was allowed to play a female character, and the reception by the audience and by my peers was incredible. It was the first time since arriving at the school that I felt as though I didn’t stick out for the wrong reasons. The teachers comments after that performance was the main reason I begged my parents to let me drop out. Why would I stay in a school that actively ridiculed my choices? By the second year, I was very checked out. The only classes I loved were Dance and Clown. Those teachers were extremely positive and never had anything negative to say about my choices of female characters or my effeminate tendencies. In fact, they were encouraging and extremely sweet about it. 

There were very few teachers open to the idea of me gender bending, and when I did express these desires they were usually patronizing. When my second year was at an end, and the shows were being cast, I was only cast in one show as a female character in a gender bent production of Julius Caesar. I was hurt by being cast in one show, but not surprised. I suspected the reason for me not being cast was me not attending classes, which was laughable even then because the people who were cast in multiple shows rarely showed up to class. The double standards were, and still are ridiculous. When I was finally able to play this female character, I put in so much effort and was off book before everyone else. It’s foolish to say, but I was 19 at the time and still very immature, but I felt unprepared to take on this role. I was just told for two years that I wouldn’t be able to do something like this, then when I get the chance, I have no idea where to begin. While my peers had two years to practice these things, I had a few weeks. It was unfair and further exacerbated my distaste for the theatre and acting community. I was just laughed at by the head of the school for wanting to pursue drag as a career, if no one respected drag outside of acting, why would they respect it inside?

I’m glad I went to Circle in the Square Theatre School, but not because it’s a good school, but because it taught me that the acting world isn’t made for people like me. It’s not made for people of color or for people who are transgender. If our stories are being told, its usually straight people portraying them, or they’re tokenized. The abuse I endured at Circle is exactly what I would have continued to have endured if I pursued my acting career. If Circle is to grow and learn as an acting school, they will need to realize that the world is changing. Stage acting is the one career where it’s possible for a person to play someone who is the exact opposite of themselves. POC people don’t have to play “POC” roles, men don’t have to have deep voices or always play men, women don’t always have to be skinny and pretty and young for her to get work, they can be older, or curvy, or also play men. The world of acting is full of amazing possibilities. It’s time to stop stifling the creativity of your students so you can mold them into actors who are “marketable.” You know what else is marketable? Originality.

— Anonymous