Twenty-Four
Too Gay for Broadway
My move to NYC in August of 2006 had been planned for well over a year when I decided to audition for Circle in the Square. One of my professors in Hartford was a Circle Alum and suggested I look into it. I started to research and the more I learned the more I knew that Circle was for me. It was where several of my favorite actors attended and it was the alma mater of a professor I respected very much.
I sent in my application and chose my audition date. I chose the last date available to afford maximum time to prepare. I wanted to be in a program when I moved to NYC to give myself some structure and ease my way into the industry, but it had to be Circle. Circle in the Square was the only program I auditioned for because it was the only program I wanted to be in.
The day of my audition came. I can't remember what I did for monologues but for my song I sang "I Am What I Am" from La Cage. I left, feeling fairly confident in what I had done, to return to Hartford and wait for my notification letter in the mail. And wait. And wait. And wait.
Ten days had passed since the deadline we were to receive our letters and I had yet to receive mine. I had a feeling I was rejected because if I had been accepted, I certainly would have gotten my letter on time. I had to know. I mustered up the courage to make the phone call to receive the dreaded news. I called the office and explained that I had not received my letter and I was put on hold. This can't be good, I thought. A moment later Colin O'Leary picked up the line and told me, "Michael, I'm happy to tell you..." I was shocked. I was so prepared for disappointment and yet Colin is about to tell me I'm in.
"That you've been accepted to Circle in the Square* he continued, ".... on a contingency." Colin went on to explain further that while they enjoyed my audition pieces and thought I had the chops, it would be a waste of my time and theirs to train me if I couldn't pass for straight on stage. Therefore, I was accepted to Circle on the contingency that I would travel to NYC weekly from hartford for the 8 weeks leading up to the first semester to work with a speech pathologist they had chosen for me on Madison Ave. to de-gayify my voice. I would then be expected to continue weekly one on one coaching from different Circle faculty at an additional cost.
"Of course!" I replied. What was I going to say, "no"? I was desperate to get into Circle and would do whatever I needed to get there. It wasn't the first time I had been told my gay voice was an issue and Circle was going to be the ones who fixed it for me.
The summer before I attended Circle I taught in a theater program 45 hours a week during the day and waited tables 40 hours a week at night. I knew they dissuaded students from working while they were in the program and that just wasn't going to be feasible for me so I was trying to save as much as I could beforehand to mitigate the amount of time I'd have to work while in school. Traveling weekly to Madison Ave and paying $150 per half hour session was a huge expense for me. Continuing to pay for one on one speech coaching during the school year was also a huge expense I struggled to afford. The need to straight wash myself was programmed into me for the following two years and I was determined to succeed. It made sense that the more "neutral" you were, the more versatile and therefore more hirable and if I couldn't act straight then what was I doing there besides wasting everyone's time. I got better at "passing" as the two years progressed, but I was never completely successful. When the time came for our industry nights, I sang a song about baseball, and picked a scene where I kissed a girl and repeated to myself over and over again "don't be gay."
I came out when I was 14. I started a Gay Straight Alliance during my freshman year in my "inner-city" high school. I was part of the Stonewall Speakers at the age of 15 speaking in classrooms and events all over New England sharing my experience as an openly gay teen in the 90s. That same year I fought for marriage equality and co-parent adoption in Connecticut and across the country. I was a proud, confident, gay young man when I auditioned for Circle in the Square 11 years after I had come out. I left a battered and insecure self-hating homo.
I never felt like I was straight enough after leaving Circle and therefore never tried to pursue much in the theater industry after leaving. I could never get it out of my head that it was a waste of time. I stuck around New York City for a few years and ended up leaving with my tail tucked between my legs feeling that I had failed at what I had set out to accomplish.
I met fabulous people at Circle and had incredible experiences. When the techniques finally started clicking for me towards the end of first year, it opened up a whole new world of creative possibilities. I had found the entrance to the rabbit hole and I was ready for a deep dive. I have so many fond memories of my time at Circle. Sadly, they will always be tainted with the pain and self-hatred I found there. It’s been over ten years since I graduated from Circle and I couldn't seem to shake my newfound internalized homophobia for many of those years. The insidiousness of it made it nearly impossible to finally rip it out of me root and stem.
I love my very gay life today. I live in Boston and have the Honor of singing with the Boston Gay Men’s Chorus and had the privilege of touring with them in South Africa the summer of 2018 where we brought joy, reassurance and hope to people who desperately needed it. I've found other creative outlets over the years and don't really miss being in theatre. There are still many occasions, however, when I see an artist who has made their career out of being unapologetically themselves and though I know those careers are few and far between, I can't help but wonder, "What if?"
All my best,
Michael Whalen
Class of 2008