Fourteen

I began my acting training at Circle in the Square Theatre School in the fall of 2015. I auditioned with the character Paul San Marco’s monologue from A Chorus Line. The monologue was about growing up gay and becoming a drag queen in a time when it was considered very taboo. This particular monologue meant a lot to me as it pertained to my own life experiences and I could relate to the character on a personal level. I had auditioned for quite a few acting schools in my original home state of North Carolina and felt as though I couldn’t be my true self in any of the schools I had auditioned for. I had a desire to explore queer and female characters. With me being an effeminate man, I believed that New York, specifically Circle in the Square, would allow me to explore these desires in an environment I could deem safe. After the warm reception of my monologue in my audition and my acceptance into the school, I thought I had finally found a place where I could be myself without persecution. It wasn’t until I arrived at the school and began to study there that I realized how wrong I was. 

I was so repelled by what I had experienced at Circle in the Square Theatre School that I believed this is what I would endure for the rest of my acting career, leading me to quit acting before I even graduated. When I told a member of the staff, in the last month of my training program, that my plans were to not pursue acting but pursue the art of drag instead, I was mocked and laughed at. This only furthered my repulsion to the acting community and made me realize my fears of not being taken seriously after graduation were all too real. My entire outlook on acting and the theatre world is irrevocably changed after attending Circle in the Square Theatre School. 

When I first arrived, I was so excited to start learning and absorbing everything I could. It only took one year for me to realize that this program wasn’t as advertised. After the first year, I begged my parents to let me drop out of the program. I was so deeply unhappy that I tried anything I could to get myself removed from the program. I would arrive late or not at all, skip out of doing scene work, and ignoring schoolwork altogether. This wasn’t the case in the first half of 2015. I have vague memories of Circle but the ones that stick out the most are of being embarrassed in front of my peers by teachers. There is one instance that I would describe as the catalyst for my extreme dislike of the program and its teaching methods. I performed a scene from the musical Gypsy as the titular character, with a friend portraying Rose, Gypsy’s mother. It was a gender bending role and I was aware of the implications and risk. The critiques I got weren’t related to my acting or technique but instead to my demeanor and how I spoke, which was and still is very effeminate. I brushed it off, thinking it was good feedback and how I could apply it in the future. The teachers only want what’s best for us, right? 

The next role I performed in the same scene class was from the play The Last Days of Judas Iscariot as a male Judge. It was for the same teacher about a week or two later after my Gypsy scene. I remember him stopping the scene, which I was only a minor character in, telling me that my “role choices are veering into parody and stereotype.” My worst fears were being realized and I became hurt and shut down. He apologized after class, but the damage was already done. This same teacher also went from student to student and judged us on appearance as a casting agent would. He told me that I have leading man looks but I would need to work on “butching it up.” It wasn’t only this male teacher, but 2 other male teachers telling me in the first year to “make it manlier” and to practice speaking with a lower voice. I remember doing a scene from The Motherfucker with the Hat and being praised for acting “straight.” These things changed my whole outlook on acting and of myself. Making me believe that no one would hire me if I was myself. Looking back, it’s ironic, the same teachers that would teach us that being ourselves brought us further to the truth of a character, while simultaneously telling me to act like a heteronormative man. These two contradicting ideas made it difficult for me to relate to my peers who were loving the program.

The first-year scene showcase is probably my favorite memory of Circle. I was allowed to play a female character, and the reception by the audience and by my peers was incredible. It was the first time since arriving at the school that I felt as though I didn’t stick out for the wrong reasons. The teachers comments after that performance was the main reason I begged my parents to let me drop out. Why would I stay in a school that actively ridiculed my choices? By the second year, I was very checked out. The only classes I loved were Dance and Clown. Those teachers were extremely positive and never had anything negative to say about my choices of female characters or my effeminate tendencies. In fact, they were encouraging and extremely sweet about it. 

There were very few teachers open to the idea of me gender bending, and when I did express these desires they were usually patronizing. When my second year was at an end, and the shows were being cast, I was only cast in one show as a female character in a gender bent production of Julius Caesar. I was hurt by being cast in one show, but not surprised. I suspected the reason for me not being cast was me not attending classes, which was laughable even then because the people who were cast in multiple shows rarely showed up to class. The double standards were, and still are ridiculous. When I was finally able to play this female character, I put in so much effort and was off book before everyone else. It’s foolish to say, but I was 19 at the time and still very immature, but I felt unprepared to take on this role. I was just told for two years that I wouldn’t be able to do something like this, then when I get the chance, I have no idea where to begin. While my peers had two years to practice these things, I had a few weeks. It was unfair and further exacerbated my distaste for the theatre and acting community. I was just laughed at by the head of the school for wanting to pursue drag as a career, if no one respected drag outside of acting, why would they respect it inside?

I’m glad I went to Circle in the Square Theatre School, but not because it’s a good school, but because it taught me that the acting world isn’t made for people like me. It’s not made for people of color or for people who are transgender. If our stories are being told, its usually straight people portraying them, or they’re tokenized. The abuse I endured at Circle is exactly what I would have continued to have endured if I pursued my acting career. If Circle is to grow and learn as an acting school, they will need to realize that the world is changing. Stage acting is the one career where it’s possible for a person to play someone who is the exact opposite of themselves. POC people don’t have to play “POC” roles, men don’t have to have deep voices or always play men, women don’t always have to be skinny and pretty and young for her to get work, they can be older, or curvy, or also play men. The world of acting is full of amazing possibilities. It’s time to stop stifling the creativity of your students so you can mold them into actors who are “marketable.” You know what else is marketable? Originality.

— Anonymous