Twenty-Seven

My time at Circle was for the most part very pleasant and I’ve learned so much. However, being a plus size woman in the performance industry has many challenges such as being typecast as the butch best friend, side character, or the comic relief who won’t find love. This has reflected in statements from multiple faculty members. In my class, I am the biggest member, immediately setting me apart. In Singing Interpretation with Sara Lazarus, I experienced two instances of fat-phobic comments that she and my class were too blind to see. The first instance was at the beginning of the year. We had to sing a few songs for her so she can get to know what kind of performer we are. She went around the room and asked us to rank ourselves if we are more of a singer, actor, or dancer. When it came to me I stated that I am tied between singing and dancing as my strongest suit and acting behind that. She said in response, while looking me up and down, “Oh, you are a strong dancer? I would’ve never guessed that,” as if the way that I look somehow handicapped me from being able to move well.

The second instance was more heartbreaking.

Around the third week, Sara wanted to hear more songs from our books and gave us an opportunity to present something of our choosing before she assigned songs for the rest of the year. Being the organized person that I am, I had a spreadsheet of about 50 different songs in my book. Multiple students came up to her and asked her which ones she would like to hear from their repertoires. She gave her suggestions and said things like “Oh I would love to hear that song from you“ and “Wow I didn’t know you could do that, let's hear it”. When I presented my list, I had many love songs, sopranos songs, and ingénue style characters. She went down the list I handed to her, shaking her head saying things like “No, that song isn’t right for you” and “No, I don’t see you in that role”. I then proceeded to explain to her that I have in fact played those roles in the past in my hometown. she was shocked at that information that someone would cast a plus size person as the feminine romantic lead. She said that those directors have an “interesting casting taste”.

Out of the 50+ songs on the list, she chose "Good Morning Baltimore" from Hairspray for me to sing. I explained to her that there are other musicals that I should be able to sing from other than Hairspray (one of the only shows featuring a plus size character). She proceeded to argue with me that that’s just going to be my type from now on and that the industry sees me as such and I shouldn’t try to change that unless I lose weight. I argued back that I should be able to open my horizons and learn from multiple sources and different roles rather than a handful of roles that look like me. That I shouldn’t be bound to being the "mom" character or the funny best friend who doesn’t get a solo or Tracy from Hairspray, that I can be a lead if I am truly qualified in my vocal technique, characterization, humanity and other skills.

She then proceeded to say that at the end of the day it’s the producers and casting directors that make the call and the other casting aspects about me don’t matter because of the way that I look, because people don’t find plus size attractive or castable and I should give up that pipe dream.

Hearing from an educator that I should narrow my options, that it’s useless to learn and work on those songs because they’re out of my looks was very heartbreaking. She reconditioned my thinking permanently because ever since, whenever I hear a new song, I automatically think "am I too fat to sing this?"

Although I am a white individual, plus size women can be found in any race and there was a complete disrespect for the way she spoke to me when it came to my body. And since no one in my class could relate because I was the biggest, those comments didn’t seem hurtful when they still affect me today.